I’ve joined the masses on watch for John Travolta and Kelly Preston’s special delivery, due any day now. Lately I’ve seen that the expected baby is being referred to as a ‘healing’ baby. I like that title so much better than ‘replacement child.’ Is it too late to change the title of my book? Is it too late to just change my own perspective. How much more empowering to be the ‘healing child!’ Maybe a sequel?
Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category
Travolta Baby Watch–'Healing' Baby
Tuesday, November 16th, 2010Pretending I'm Dead
Monday, September 20th, 2010The other day I was in my local natural health food/vitamin shop—which I love–and I was explaining to my now friend who owns the shop that I was worried to death about my only son travelling across America and camping out in parts unknown. I told her I was afraid he would take up with strangers, meet with tornadoes and hurricanes, and possibly fall down a volcanoe. She said she had the same feelings when her two daughters would go off on adventures and she would have no control over their safety.
“I just pretend I’m dead,” she told me. “If I were dead, they would do what they are going to do and I would have no power anyway–so I just pretend I’m dead.”
It made sense. So, now when I’m overwhelmed with a feeling of dread, wondering if a bear or serial killer has gotten to my offstpring, and now his girlfriend whom I feel so very attached to, I pretend I’m dead and I could do nothing in any case. Strangely, it is a comfort. I have no idea why. But, that’s in keeping with much of my vitamin store, health consultant’s advice anyway. “Take this if you have an allergic reaction–I don’t know why it works–it just does,” she tells me often of the remedies that invariably work wonders. Stomache problems, allergic reactions, bug bites, colds—I swear–it all just works. And, although the proprietor has an idea of why a supplement or vitamin complex may add to my immune system–she admits she only knows from experience what works and what doesn’t.
So now that I’m a partial believer–pretending I’m dead just seems a natural progression. Let’s face it–it will be true sometime in the not to distant future anyway. He will be on his own at the mercy of the universe–just as I always feared. I’ve given him everything I had to give him I think, so he has to figure out the rest himself.
As any parent knows, this removal from our caretaking role isn’t an easy one. We always want to be in control of their safety, of their success, of their happiness. But understanding it just ain’t so may be some release from that formidable responsibility.
It may be cliche to reflect on the birds being thrown from their nests to fly or fall–but I watched a flock on the Discovery Channel the other day be thrown to their fate and couldn’t help be struck by the reality of it for us all. I wondered if the mother bird was just pretending she was dead as she threw her birdlings out of the nest.
Talking to other replacement children
Wednesday, August 4th, 2010Recently I’ve found other people that identify with being a replacement child of some sort. Talking to them, it is uncanny the similarities I am finding in my own feelings and attitudes, even when their circumstances are vastly different than my own. It’s apparent, for instance, that parents of replacement children–those born to replace a sibling who has died–don’t talk about the child who died. Some don’t even acknowledge that the child existed until the replacement child may discover some old photos or documents that clue them in.
I remember when I first started asking about my sister Donna and the plane crash that killed her. My mother insisted that she had told me everything about it. But she hadn’t really. Until I was around 10 and started asking questions, I thought it was only a fire that had killed my sister, and nearly killed my other sister–leaving her scarred and needing surgery after surgery to reconstruct nearly every part of her 2 year old body. I had no idea a plane had crashed into their house.
These other replacement children are telling me similar stories that their parents thought they knew the details of their particular story through some kind of parental osmosis. Some started asking questions at around the same age I did, others not until they were in their twenties or later. Still others never thought to ask until some physical evidence–like a secret baby book–was discovered.
At first, I would have thought–no harm done, what does it really matter? But, the more I learn about the long-term effects of being a replacement child, the more I realize that knowing the origins of certain feelings and issues is the first step in taking control over your life and your relationships.
I’m also more and more convinced that other replacement children are out there–that may not recognize themselves as such until someone asks the right questions. And, because of that, they may not understand some of the issues that keep popping up in their relationships.
Judy L. Mandel is the author of Replacement Child, a Memoir
Famous #Replacement Children
Monday, August 2nd, 2010It’s always interesting to learn about the famous #replacement children. Here’s another interesting article about #John Coltrane:
Others include #Vincent Van Gogh, #Salvador Dali, Ludwig van #Beethoven, Chateaubriand, Camille Claudel, Stendhal .
If you know of others, please add them to the list here!
Conceiving after loss: 'You can never replace a child' – CNN.com
Saturday, July 31st, 2010Remembering Letters from My Father this Father's Day
Thursday, June 17th, 2010This Father’s Day I’m choosing to focus on the letters my father wrote to me in his later years. Those are the thoughts and feelings I want to remember as his true ones–the ones he submerged for most of my childhood. For some reason, it was only in written form that my dad could tell me how he felt about me. I’m grateful he found a way, otherwise I would have always felt that his distant attitude toward me was the only truth of our relationship.
If you’ve read Replacement Child, you’ll recognize parts of the following from Chapter Fifty-Six in the book:
I’m reading through letters from my father. He had such a beautiful handwriting, and–surprisingly–was the better of my parents at expressing his emotions on paper. Whenever I find one of letters to me, buried in a sock drawer or folded in among my jewelry, I wind up blubbering at his words. I never heard these kinds of thoughts from his own lips, and never knew them as a child. Almost all of his letters to me were written after I was an adult, and most after he was 70.
As I look back now, many of his letters still defined me in terms of my sister:
Even when we felt you were being neglected you showed strength and understanding to love Linda as much as we did, and to show that love to her.
Or, I was their hope, their healer, that he finally learned to love:
One of the greatest gifts given to us at an essential time of our lives was when the gods delivered you into our hearts and lives. Your birth helped sustain us with some faith and hope. It’s taken me a lifetime–but you’ve taught me to say it and feel it–I love you and it’s forever.
I know Dad, I finally know.
Kelly Preston: New Baby, New Beginnings? – momlogic – Open Salon
Tuesday, June 8th, 2010Kelly Preston: New Baby, New Beginnings? – momlogic – Open Salon.
Quoted again in this article–although it seems my quote grows by itself at times:)
TO MY NEW #BEA10 FRIENDS – WRITE SOON!
Friday, May 28th, 2010Back from a whirlwind trip to the BookExpo in NYC and slowly decompressing. It truly is mind boggling to be in the midst of thousands of new books, authors, publishers and everything related to the book world in one building. Print books seem to be alive and well if the turnout for this event is any indication. I missed many of the high profile events– the Duchess of York, Condoleezza Rice, Jon Stewart, John Grisham and even Barbara Streisand. I have to admit I was pretty focused on my own two author signings of REPLACEMENT CHILD. I was still in a little bit of a fog from the last week when I learned my book had won a book award from NIEA, and then I got a call from CNN.com to talk about the John Travolta and Kelly Preston news that they were expecting. The topic of replacement child was breaking news for a little while. The CNN.com article came out the day before I left for NY.
This was my first foray into the big city as publisher and author and I was a little nervous. Did I bring enough books? Too many? Would anyone show up for my signings? Do I have time to put my new book award stickers on all the books? So many authors and books were flying around, I wondered if anyone knew anything about my book or cared. Luckily my biggest fan was with me for many kinds of support – my son Justin. Not only could he reach the top of my pull up poster to secure it, he could reach down into the depths of my insecurities and pull me up in the nick of time! What a kid! His company many have been the best thing about taking the trip.
So–that said, I was surprised and excited when my books started flying off the table at my first signing. People had looked for me! They had heard of REPLACEMENT CHILD! Some had seen my recent interview on CNN.com, and some librarians had been asked for my book by their patrons. A few self-described replacement children also found me and shared their own stories. Wow–I was in heaven! Here’s a photo Justin took of me at the IBPA booth signing on Wednesday:
Books were all gone by the time we thought to take a photo! We have to get better at this!
Later we walked around the hall scouting books and because we were both wearing our REPLACEMENT CHILD tee shirts we got more questions about the book. One librarian stopped me to ask how she could get the book for her library because she had a request for it.
The next day was my book signing at the official Autographing area of the show. More nerves because these people really have to choose to find you for the signing. And there were much more well-known books and authors lined up next to me this time. It turned out that my ‘people’ did find me. It wasn’t an avalanche of people like the day before, but a steady stream until again my books were gone and I had put them in the hands of savvy readers, bloggers, booksellers and –ok, I’m really not sure who exactly – but more people are now reading REPLACEMENT CHILD because of it!
Here’s a photo of that day’s signing:
I asked everyone who got a signed copy of REPLACEMENT CHILD to write to me here after they read the book, and I’m asking again for those who have found my website and blog. I want to hear from you!
Hope you all had a spectacular time at BEA 10!
My Brain on #LOST
Tuesday, May 18th, 2010I’m waking up wondering what year it is. How will I find the cabin? Do I really need to push the button? I almost expect to look in the mirror and see blood dripping from one nostril. But I am consoled to find my constant by my side. All will be well, as long as he doesn’t tell me “what I can’t do.”
I came to LOST late–what was I thinking!? My husband and I got hooked into this last season of LOST and have been trying to catch up on all five previous seasons in between watching the new episodes. No one warned us when we told friends and family who are LOST loyalists. They probably wanted to see what would happen to us. They are a cruel lot. I don’t think the human brain is meant to contain so many contradictions, plots, subplots, esoteric references and characters all at once.
Even the day’s headlines take on new meaning now that we are headed for the final episode of LOST. When I read of “Candidates” in the paper, I don’t think of the primaries going on in Arkansas–I think, “who does Jacob have in mind now?” When I saw an article about physicists theorizing that the big bang should have produced a void, and not the matter that ultimately created our solar system–I think “aha! those flashes of light, the time continuum–it all makes sense!”
Of course, it makes no sense yet. I’m sorry to say that I have no theories about what it all means. I am, if you’ll excuse the expression, LOST. Except to say it means big ratings and huge advertising dollars for this Sunday’s final LOST episode. I can’t imagine how they can tie all this together and answer all the questions that have been spinning around in my scrambled egg brain cells for the past couple of months. But I do have a twinkle of hope that the writers will accomplish the unimaginable. After all–I believe in writers. I do believe, I do believe, I do believe…. I was the one clicking my heals to get home, clapping for Tinker Bell, ringing the bell for the angels to get their wings.
As a writer, I find the themes and character building techniques on LOST fascinating. I’d like to say they inspire me to write–but that would be a lie. What LOST has inspired in me as a writer is catatonia. The story has blocked out my capacity to think beyond the island, the smoke monster and Sawyer’s abs. At least until Sunday’s LOST finale where we all hope to be released from the electromagnetic field that holds us suspended.
I have to admit I have been waiting for that LOST flash-sideways that has Jack and Sawyer as lovers, with Kate as their baby love child. It could happen!
Any LOST theorists out there? HELP!
Radio Interview on WMKV- Grandparenting Today
Thursday, May 13th, 2010When Grandparenting Today asked me to talk about Replacement Child with them on their live radio show, I frankly wasn’t sure it was a good fit. I was wrong! We had a wonderful discussion today on the show, talking about many aspects of the book and my story, including how to mitigate negative effects for children born after a sibling has died.
You can listen or download the MP3 audio file here.
I hope you enjoy the discussion.