When I start to talk about my book, Replacement Child, the first question I am usually asked is “what is a replacement child?” I then explain that it is not a term I invented, but that I found the term in my research around grieving and loss, especially that of a child. The following link gives a very clear definition, and offers clinical background to the reasons and cautions behind the syndrome:
Recently I’ve found other people that identify with being a replacement child of some sort. Talking to them, it is uncanny the similarities I am finding in my own feelings and attitudes, even when their circumstances are vastly different than my own. It’s apparent, for instance, that parents of replacement children–those born to replace a sibling who has died–don’t talk about the child who died. Some don’t even acknowledge that the child existed until the replacement child may discover some old photos or documents that clue them in.
I remember when I first started asking about my sister Donna and the plane crash that killed her. My mother insisted that she had told me everything about it. But she hadn’t really. Until I was around 10 and started asking questions, I thought it was only a fire that had killed my sister, and nearly killed my other sister–leaving her scarred and needing surgery after surgery to reconstruct nearly every part of her 2 year old body. I had no idea a plane had crashed into their house.
These other replacement children are telling me similar stories that their parents thought they knew the details of their particular story through some kind of parental osmosis. Some started asking questions at around the same age I did, others not until they were in their twenties or later. Still others never thought to ask until some physical evidence–like a secret baby book–was discovered.
At first, I would have thought–no harm done, what does it really matter? But, the more I learn about the long-term effects of being a replacement child, the more I realize that knowing the origins of certain feelings and issues is the first step in taking control over your life and your relationships.
I’m also more and more convinced that other replacement children are out there–that may not recognize themselves as such until someone asks the right questions. And, because of that, they may not understand some of the issues that keep popping up in their relationships.
Judy L. Mandel is the author of Replacement Child, a Memoir
It’s always interesting to learn about the famous #replacement children. Here’s another interesting article about #John Coltrane:
Others include #Vincent Van Gogh, #Salvador Dali, Ludwig van #Beethoven, Chateaubriand, Camille Claudel, Stendhal .
If you know of others, please add them to the list here!
Last week I had the pleasure of talking with Kim Iverson of Your Time with Kim on her syndicated radio program, broadcast in nine metro areas. We talked about some misconceptions out there about replacement children and how parents can avoid some of the negative effects on children they decide to have after losing a child. Briefly, we touched on the Travolta/Preston news that they are expecting–wishing them the best with adding to their family.
You can listen to this latest discussion here. Thanks for tuning in! Let me know your thoughts about it on the blog.
In April, I was invited to read from my book Replacement Child at Central Connecticut State University. You can watch the video of that reading here. Just scroll down the page to the video.
Hope you enjoy it!
Reading the news that John Travolta and Kelly Preston are expecting a baby a little over a year after the death of their 16-year old son Jett made me think of my own parents’ decision to have another child after losing their eldest daughter. I am that ‘replacement child’ and though many people don’t like the term–it doesn’t have to be a bad thing.
John Travolta and Kelly Preston can prepare to welcome this new child into their family as a unique individual and cherished addition to their family. With awareness of some of the possible pitfalls, Travolta and Preston can mitigate possible negative effects of being a replacement child as their child grows up. Although there may be no ‘getting over’ the devastating loss of a child, a new baby may help Travolta and Preston emerge from their grief and can be a source of healing.
I know there have been several blog comments in the last couple of days about the news, and about Kelly Preston being 47 years old–but that is really none of anyone’s business but Travolta and Preston’s! I’m sure there are plenty of over 40 women right now saying “better you than me” thinking of childbirth and caring for a newborn. I say if Kelly Preston is up for it, we should applaud her!
I wish them all the best, and my hope is that this new child never feels like a replacement child at all. That is totally within the power of Travolta and Preston’s attitude and understanding.
This Father’s Day I’m choosing to focus on the letters my father wrote to me in his later years. Those are the thoughts and feelings I want to remember as his true ones–the ones he submerged for most of my childhood. For some reason, it was only in written form that my dad could tell me how he felt about me. I’m grateful he found a way, otherwise I would have always felt that his distant attitude toward me was the only truth of our relationship.
If you’ve read Replacement Child, you’ll recognize parts of the following from Chapter Fifty-Six in the book:
I’m reading through letters from my father. He had such a beautiful handwriting, and–surprisingly–was the better of my parents at expressing his emotions on paper. Whenever I find one of letters to me, buried in a sock drawer or folded in among my jewelry, I wind up blubbering at his words. I never heard these kinds of thoughts from his own lips, and never knew them as a child. Almost all of his letters to me were written after I was an adult, and most after he was 70.
As I look back now, many of his letters still defined me in terms of my sister:
Even when we felt you were being neglected you showed strength and understanding to love Linda as much as we did, and to show that love to her.
Or, I was their hope, their healer, that he finally learned to love:
One of the greatest gifts given to us at an essential time of our lives was when the gods delivered you into our hearts and lives. Your birth helped sustain us with some faith and hope. It’s taken me a lifetime–but you’ve taught me to say it and feel it–I love you and it’s forever.
I know Dad, I finally know.